Let’s Laugh

This particular piece has shown up in my in-box several times. I’ve enjoyed it each time, probably because I’m getting to be an old fart and we have a tendency to take great joy in testing our memories. I think that for older people, like me, these serve as diagnostic self awareness tools. The answers are printed below, but don't cheat.

Test For Old Folks



1.  When the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?




2.  When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on the _______ Show.


3.  Get your kicks, on ___________.


4.  The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to ___________________.





5.  In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ___________.




6.  After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we danced under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the _____________.


7.  Nestle's makes the very best _______________.



8.  Satchmo was America 's “Ambassador of Goodwill.” Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.

9.  What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.

10. Red Skeleton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, “Good Night, and ________ ________.”
 
11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their______________.


12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ & _______________.

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, “the day the music died.” This was a tribute to ________ ___________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the _______ _________.

ANSWERS


01.The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan Show
03. On Route 66
04. To protect the innocent.
05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight
06. The limbo
07. Chocolate
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch
10. Freddy, The Freeloader and 'Good Night and God Bless.'
11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly
14. Sputnik
15. Hoola-hoop



Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble” http://joecampher.blogspot.com

MOTHER'S EMPTY CHAIR

 

A woman's daughter had asked the local minister to come and pray with her mother.

When the minister arrived, he found the woman lying in bed with her head propped up on two pillows. An empty chair sat beside her bed.

The minister assumed that the woman had been informed of his visit. “I guess you were expecting me, he said.”

“No, who are you?” said the mother.

The minister told her his name and then remarked, “I saw the empty chair and I figured that you knew I was going to be showing up.”

“Oh yeah, the chair,” said the bedridden woman.

“Would you mind closing the door?” the woman asked.

Puzzled, the minister shut the door.

The woman began speaking very quietly. “I have never told anyone this, not even my daughter, but, all of my life I have never known how to pray. At church I used to hear the pastor talk about prayer, but, it went right over my head. I abandoned any attempt at prayer, until one day, four years ago; my best friend said to me, Betty, prayer is just a simple matter of having a conversation with Jesus. Here is what I suggest. Sit down in a chair and place an empty chair in front of you. In faith see Jesus sitting across from you on that chair. It's not spooky because he promised; I will be with you always. Then just speak to him in the same way you're doing with me right now. So, I tried it and I've liked it so much that I do it a couple of hours every day. I'm careful though. If my daughter ever sees me talking to an empty chair, she'll either have a nervous breakdown or send me off to the funny farm.”

The minister was deeply moved by the story and encouraged the woman to continue on the journey. Then he prayed with her, anointed her with oil, and returned to the church.

Two nights later the woman’s daughter called to tell the minister that her mother had died that afternoon.

The minister asked “did she die in peace?”

“Yes, before I left the house about two o'clock, Mother called me over to her bedside, told me she loved me and kissed me on the cheek. When I got back from the store an hour later, I found her. But there was something strange about her death. Apparently, just before Mother died, she leaned over and rested her head on the chair beside the bed. What do you make of that?”

The minister wiped a tear from his eye and replied almost in a whisper; “I wish we could all go like that.”

Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. Here’s both a thought and a prayer:

I asked God for water, He gave me an ocean.
I asked God for a flower, He gave me garden.
I asked God for a friend, He gave me all of YOU.
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God.
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God.

Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble” http://joecampher.blogspot.com

Let’s Laugh

Legal Funnies

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
**********
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
**********
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
**********
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
**********
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
**********
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
**********
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
**********
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
**********
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
**********
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
**********
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
**********
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
**********
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble” http://joecampher.blogspot.com

The Necklace

A cheerful little girl with bouncy golden curls, who was almost five, was waiting with her mother at the checkout stand, when she saw them; a circle of glistening white pearls in a pink foil box.

"Oh mommy please, Mommy. Can I have them? Please, Mommy, please?"

Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box and then looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl's upturned face.

"This necklace cost one-dollar and ninety-five cents. That's almost two dollars. If you really want them, I'll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can save enough money to buy them for yourself. Your birthday's only a week away and you might get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma."

As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her penny bank and counted out seventeen pennies. After dinner, she did more than her share of chores. She went to the neighbor and asked if she could pick dandelions for ten cents. On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and at last she had enough money to buy the necklace.

Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel both dressed up and grown up. She wore them everywhere; Sunday school, kindergarten, even to bed. The only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath. Mother said if they got wet, they might turn her neck green.

Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed, he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story. One night as he finished the story, he asked Jenny, "Do you love me?"

"Oh yes, daddy. You know that I love you."

"Then give me your pearls."

"Oh, daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess, the white horse from my collection, the one with the pink tail. Remember, daddy? The one you gave me. She's my very favorite."

"That's okay, Honey, daddy loves you. Good night." He then gently brushed her cheek with a kiss.

About a week later, after the story time, Jenny's daddy asked again, "Do you love me?"

"Daddy, you know I love you."

"Then give me your pearls."

"Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my baby doll. The brand new one I got for my birthday. She is beautiful and you can have the yellow blanket that matches her sleeper."

"That's okay. Sleep well. God bless you, little one. Daddy loves you." As always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss.

A few nights later when her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on her bed with her legs crossed Indian style. As he came close, he noticed her chin was trembling and one silent tear rolled down her cheek. "What is it, Jenny? What's the matter?"

Jenny didn't say anything but lifted her little hand up to her daddy. And when she opened it, there was her little pearl necklace. With a little quiver, she finally said, "Here, daddy; these are for you."

With tears gathering in his own eyes, Jenny's daddy reached out with one hand to take the dime store necklace, and with the other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet case with a strand of genuine pearls and gave them to Jenny.

He had them all the time. He was just waiting for her to give up the dime-store stuff so he could give her the genuine treasure.

So it is, with our Heavenly Father. He is waiting for us to give up the cheap things in our lives so that he can give us beautiful treasures.

God will never take away something without giving you something better in its place.

Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble” http://joecampher.blogspot.com

Let's Laugh

 SQUIRRELS

In a small Florida town, there were five houses of religion: a Presbyterian Church, Baptist Church, Methodist Church, Catholic Church and Jewish Synagogue. The Church’s and Synagogue had become overrun with squirrels. The pesky critters were everywhere and causing havoc throughout the religious community.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were pre-destined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped and twice as many returned the following week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. Therefore, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

The Catholic Church, however, came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision. They haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

 

Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble” http://joecampher.blogspot.com

A Space In Heaven

I received this story, in The In-Box, a year ago. I started to read it, but just couldn’t get through it. It was too long and I didn’t have the patience. Some months later, a friend passed away and for some inexplicable reason, I was drawn back to this email. Reading it, at that moment, was both easy and comforting. I hope it’s the same, for you.

The woman jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She asked: “How is my little boy? Is he going to be all right? When can I see him?”

The surgeon replied, “I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it.”

The anguished Mother cried out; “Why do little children get cancer? Doesn't God care anymore? Where were you, God, when my son needed you?”

The surgeon asked; “Would you like some time alone with your son? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university.”

The Mother asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to her son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. The nurse asked “would you like a lock of his hair?” The little boy’s Mother nodded yes. The nurse tenderly cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to the young woman.

The mother told the nurse that, “It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. I had said no at first, but Jimmy said, Mom, I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom. My Jimmy had a heart of gold. He was always thinking of someone else and always wanting to help others if he could.”

The boy’s Mother walked out of Children's Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car.

The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room. She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She, then, lay down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep.

It was around midnight when she awoke. Lying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. The letter read:

“Dear Mom,

I know you're going to miss me, but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just because I'm not around to say “I Love You”. I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things us boys do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like.

Don't be sad thinking about me. This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but, it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to see GOD! And guess what, Mom? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you. God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him “Where was He when I needed him?” God said; “He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children.”

Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see what I've written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool? I have to give God His pen back now He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm sure the food will be great. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore. The cancer is all gone. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's why He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery!

How about that?”

 


Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble” http://joecampher.blogspot.com

Let’s Laugh

Teachers

I love teachers. They’re the foundation upon which great societies are built. Teachers don’t exist solely in classrooms. They’re Father’s teaching sons, Mother’s teaching daughters, Pastor’s teaching congregations and anybody who has ever taken time to instruct or mentor others. Teachers, they’re great. Here are a few funnies that were forwarded to me, by a Teacher.

 

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.

 

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

 

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

 

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

 

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

 
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

 

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

 





Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble” http://joecampher.blogspot.com

An Obituary

This was forwarded to me some time ago. I found it to be both compelling and contemporary. The message indicated that this obituary had originally been printed in the London Times, although I could find no evidence of that claim in the London Times archives.
I resent people who pass stuff on with a tag like "London Times" in hopes that their thoughts and ideas will be given greater credibility by association with a creditable source. This piece was great and could perfectly well stand on its own.

Obituary

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who had been with us for many years. No one knows how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: knowing when to come in out of the rain; observing that the early bird gets the worm; realizing that life isn't always fair; and admitting that maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by sound financial policies and reliable life strategies: (1). don't spend more than you earn and (2). adult’s not children, are in charge.

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; a teen suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only exacerbated his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

Common Sense’s health further declined when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student, but, could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. After having spilled a little of the hot coffee in her lap, she sued the Corporate entity and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents; Truth and Trust, by his wife; Discretion, his daughter; Responsibility, and his son; Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; “I Know My Rights”, “I Want It Now”, “Someone Else Is To Blame” and “I'm A Victim”.

There weren’t many people in attendance, at Common Sense’s funeral, because so few realized he had passed. If you still remember him, give this obituary some thought and consider resurrecting Common Sense in your life. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble”  http://joecampher.blogspot.com

Let’s Laugh

  The Bar

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” She asked this question as she continued to softly stroke his face with both hands.

“Actually, no,” the bartender replied.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t,” said the breathless bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message.” As she said that the lady continued running her forefinger across the bartender’s lips, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them.

The bartender, now in a state of total excitement, manages to ask “what should I tell him?”

“Tell him”, she whispers, “there’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”

 

Elderly Road Trip

During a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. She didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

On the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed, complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The longer they drove, the more agitated the elderly man became and the more difficult he was, with his wife. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, “While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”

 


We're Engaged

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, who have been living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers: "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds "

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs, walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

 
 

Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble” http://joecampher.blogspot.com

T-bone Steaks, Yellow Roses and Love

I received this email about four years ago. It’s a wonderful story.

A woman walked into the grocery store not particularly interested in buying groceries. She wasn't hungry. The pain of losing her husband of 57 years was still too raw. And this grocery store held so many sweet memories.

Her husband often came to the store with her and almost every time he'd pretend to go off and look for something special. She knew what he was up to. She’d always spot him walking down the aisle with three yellow roses in his hands. He knew she loved yellow roses.

With a heart filled with grief, the woman only wanted to buy a few items and leave, but even grocery shopping was different since her husband had passed on. Shopping for one person took time, and required a little more thought than it had for two people.

Standing by the meat, she searched for the perfect small steak and remembered how he had loved his steak.

Suddenly another woman appeared beside her. She was blonde, slim and lovely in a soft green pantsuit. The older woman watched as the younger woman picked up a large package of T-bone steaks and dropped them in her basket; hesitated, and then put them back in the cooler. She turned to go and once again reached for the package of steaks. From the corner of her eye she could see herself being observed. The lovely blond paused and turned and said sadly “My husband loves T-bones, but honestly, at these prices, I don't know.”

Swallowing the emotion in her throat the woman looked into the strangers pale blue eyes. “My husband passed away eight days ago,” she told her. Glancing at the package in her hands, she fought to control the tremble in her voice. “Buy him the steaks. And cherish every moment you have together.”

The young woman shook her head. The raw emotion could be seen in her eyes as she placed the package of steaks in her basket and wheeled away.

Turning away, the woman was once again alone with her thoughts. After pushing her cart across the length of the store to the dairy products, she stood, trying to decide which size milk she should buy. A quart, she thought, and moved on to the ice cream. If nothing else, she could always fix herself a bowl of ice cream.

She placed the ice cream in her cart and looked down the aisle toward the front. She saw first the green suit, and then recognized the pretty lady coming towards her. In her arms she was carrying a package. On her face was the brightest smile she’d ever seen. She thought that she could see a soft halo encircling the young blonde’s head as she kept walking toward her. The young woman’s eyes were focused intensely on the older woman.

As the young woman got closer, the older woman saw what the young woman was holding and her eyes began to mist. “These are for you,” the young woman said, and placed three beautiful long stemmed yellow roses in the older woman’s arms. “When you go through the line, they will know that these are paid for.” She leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on the older woman’s cheek, then smiled again and walked away. The older woman wanted to tell her what she'd done, what the roses meant, but still unable to speak, she watched as the young woman walked away; as tears clouded her vision.

The woman looked down at the beautiful roses nestled in the green tissue wrapping and found it almost unreal. How did she know? Suddenly the answer seemed so clear; she wasn't alone. “Oh, you haven't forgotten me” she whispered, with tears flowing from her eyes. Her husband was still with her, and that young woman had been his angel sent to comfort her. Her joy was overwhelming.

Everyday angels enter our lives and bring us roses. Although we may often feel isolated and alone, we are never by ourselves.

Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble” http://joecampher.blogspot.com

More Of They Walk Among Us

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

*** They Walk Among Us !!!!!!! ***

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.

Then; she asked me, "Has your plane arrived yet?"

*** They Walk Among Us !!!!!!!!***

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

*** They Walk Among Us !!!!!!!!

 

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce !!!!

 
Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble” http://joecampher.blogspot.com

Boy vs. Priest

I refrain from making judgments, with respect to a specific church or religions’ policies, practices and beliefs; however, this particular email was funny. It was also a swipe against the Catholic Church’s contraception and anti abortion policies.

While I don’t take a stance on religious policies and beliefs, I do understand that the context of many religious policies, practices and beliefs; were conditions that existed thousands of years ago. Religious law was often created to meet the challenges of the time.

Basic religious foundations (i.e. for me, as a Christian, the “Ten Commandment’s”) were, however, designed as a road map to guide one through a lifetime of experiences. These rules are a constant and transcend the march of time.

Every major Religion has rules similar to the Commandments. Personally, I find that fact to be of great comfort. I believe God to be both universal and transcendent. But, that's just me. You be you.... 

A little boy got on the bus and sat next to a man reading a book. Looking closely at the man, he noticed that the man’s collar was on backwards.

Being an inquisitive youngster the little boy asked the man why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, replied, “I am a Father.”

The little boy replied, “My Daddy is a father and he doesn’t wear his collar like that.”

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.”

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!”

The priest, getting a little impatient, stated, with conviction; “I am the Father of hundreds,” and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, and then leaned over and said, in a whisper, ''Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.”

 


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Short And Sweet

To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.

When God takes something from your grasp, he's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

Concentrate on this sentence:

“The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.”

Something good will happen to you today. .

Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble” http://joecampher.blogspot.com

Today’s Funnies

Mental Health

During a visit to the mental hospital, I asked the Director how he determines whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask he or she to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

Babies Daddy

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of trying the new machine.

 

The doctor set the pain transfer to ten percent for starters, explaining that even ten percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to a twenty percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for fifty percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all of the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. The husband had experienced absolutely no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. They were, all three, discharged from the hospital.

When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.

Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble”  http://joecampher.blogspot.com

 

 

One Farmer-One Boy-One Pup

A farmer had some puppies he wanted to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of

his property. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.

"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."

"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a great deal of money."

The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer. "I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"

"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a loud whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called. Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.

The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball of fur appeared. This one was noticeably smaller than the others in the group. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward his siblings, doing its best to catch up.

"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe. Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."

With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. He gave the little ball of fur to the young boy. The boy began to shed tears of joy, as he asked the farmer the little dogs price. The Farmer smiled through his tears and said “no charge”.   The farmer reasoned, to himself, that you can’t put a price tag on love.

Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble” http://joecampher.blogspot.com

They Walk Among Us

A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to a good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!


*** They walk among us!! ***

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted; 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said; 'where?'

*** They walk among us!! ***

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for some time she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff'.

*** They Walk Among Us!! ***

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

*** They Walk Among Us!! ***

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

*** They Walk Among Us!! ***

Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble”  http://joecampher.blogspot.com