The Storm

During a terrible storm, a ship was wrecked leaving only two survivors who swan to a small, desert like island. Not knowing what else to do, the two men agree that they had no other recourse but to pray to God. However, to find out whose prayer was more powerful, they agree to divide the territory between them and stay on opposite sides of the island.

The first thing they prayed for was food. The next morning, the first man saw a fruit-bearing tree on his side of the land, and he was able to eat its fruit. The other man's parcel of land remained barren.

After a week, the first man was lonely and he decided to pray for a wife. The next day, there was a woman who swam to his side of the land. On the other side, of the island, there was nothing.

Soon the first man prayed for a house, clothes, more food. The next day, like magic, all of these things were given to him. The second man’s side of the island remained a void.

Finally, the first man prayed for a ship, so that he and his wife could leave the island. In the morning, he found a ship docked at his side of the island. The first man boarded the ship with his wife, but, decided to leave the second man on the island. He considered the other man unworthy to receive God's blessings, since none of his prayers had been answered.

As the ship was about to leave, the first man heard a voice from heaven booming, "Why are you leaving your companion on the island?" The first man replied; "My blessings are mine alone, since I was the one who prayed for them. His prayers were all unanswered and so he deserves nothing. “

"You are mistaken!" the voice rebuked him. "He had only one prayer, which I answered. If not for that, you would not have received any of my blessings."

The first man asked the voice; "What did my companion pray for that I should owe him anything?"

The voice responded; "He prayed that all your prayers be answered."

For all we know, our blessings are not the fruits of our prayers alone, but those of another praying for us; a thought worth giving consideration.

Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble” http://joecampher.blogspot.com

Today's Funnies

Hello Officer


A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.

The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart alack when he's drunk."

The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"


SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE



Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting housebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'


One Senior Citizen; One Corvette



A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing", he thought as he flew down I-45, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, sir,' replied the trooper.

Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble”  http://joecampher.blogspot.com

God Is Too Busy

A United States Marine who had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan  was taking some college courses between assignments. One of the courses had a professor, who was an avowed atheist.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, “GOD if you are real, I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 min”. The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, “Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting.”

There were just a few minutes left in the professors timeline when the quite and unassuming Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him  off of the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, in silence. The other students were stunned, and sat  quietly. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken. He looked at the Marine and asked, “What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?”

The Marine calmly replied, “GOD was too busy today protecting America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me.”

The classroom erupted in cheers!

Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble” http://joecampher.blogspot.com

Guts or Balls

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

 GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys and being met by your wife, who is clutching  a broom in her hands, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, having lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble”  http://joecampher.blogspot.com

PRAYER

Father,
God bless all my friends in whatever it is that You know they may be needing this day! 

May their lives be filled with Your peace, prosperity and power as they seek to have a closer relationship with you.

Amen

Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble” http://joecampher.blogspot.com

Retired Husband

When I received this in my email box, I couldn't help, but to laugh. I know this guy and I'll bet you do too.....

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like many women, in that she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Dorothy Coleman;

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both you and him, from the store. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

January 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

February 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

February 7: He made a trail using, a jar of brown gravy, on the floor leading to the both the ladies and men's restrooms.

February 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

March 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

March 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

March 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

March 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

April 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

April 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

May 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

May 6: While in the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

May 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

May 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

May 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Have you tried Wal-Mart???????

Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble”  http://joecampher.blogspot.com

The Law Of The Garbage Truck

Over three years ago I found this email in my in-box. It requires no explanation. If only I could incorporate its wisdom into my life. Perhaps you can....

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches!

The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean he was really friendly. So I asked, "Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!" This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck."

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets.

Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't. Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!

Have a blessed and garbage-free day.

Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble”  http://joecampher.blogspot.com

Cat's: Ya Got To Love Em

Since the beginnings of time, one can imagine that man has experienced numerous crazy problems with their animal interactions. This is just one of many stories I've received in my in-box, over the years.

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a dozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come and reset thing!'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'

There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent and outraged nudity would make a statement about my perceiving her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. At that precise moment, when I was most vulnerable, the cat leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'

If they only knew!

Why is it that women are the only one's that find this funny?????  

Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble”  http://joecampher.blogspot.com

                                             

Sometimes We Forget The Really Important Things

Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant. My six year old grand-son asked if he could say grace. 

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Nana gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!" 

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!" 

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?" 

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." 

"Really?" my grand-son asked. 

"Cross my heart," the man replied. 

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes." 

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal.

My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul is good already."
 

I hope God sends you some ice cream today!

Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble”  http://joecampher.blogspot.com

Making a Baby 

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--

 

 

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.'

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted