After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like many women, in that she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Dorothy Coleman;
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both you and him, from the store. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
January 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
February 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
February 7: He made a trail using, a jar of brown gravy, on the floor leading to the both the ladies and men's restrooms.
February 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
March 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
March 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
March 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
March 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
April 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
April 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
May 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
May 6: While in the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
May 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
May 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
May 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Have you tried Wal-Mart???????
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