An Obituary

This was forwarded to me some time ago. I found it to be both compelling and contemporary. The message indicated that this obituary had originally been printed in the London Times, although I could find no evidence of that claim in the London Times archives.
I resent people who pass stuff on with a tag like "London Times" in hopes that their thoughts and ideas will be given greater credibility by association with a creditable source. This piece was great and could perfectly well stand on its own.

Obituary

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who had been with us for many years. No one knows how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: knowing when to come in out of the rain; observing that the early bird gets the worm; realizing that life isn't always fair; and admitting that maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by sound financial policies and reliable life strategies: (1). don't spend more than you earn and (2). adult’s not children, are in charge.

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; a teen suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only exacerbated his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

Common Sense’s health further declined when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student, but, could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. After having spilled a little of the hot coffee in her lap, she sued the Corporate entity and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents; Truth and Trust, by his wife; Discretion, his daughter; Responsibility, and his son; Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; “I Know My Rights”, “I Want It Now”, “Someone Else Is To Blame” and “I'm A Victim”.

There weren’t many people in attendance, at Common Sense’s funeral, because so few realized he had passed. If you still remember him, give this obituary some thought and consider resurrecting Common Sense in your life. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble”  http://joecampher.blogspot.com

Let’s Laugh

  The Bar

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” She asked this question as she continued to softly stroke his face with both hands.

“Actually, no,” the bartender replied.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t,” said the breathless bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message.” As she said that the lady continued running her forefinger across the bartender’s lips, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them.

The bartender, now in a state of total excitement, manages to ask “what should I tell him?”

“Tell him”, she whispers, “there’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”

 

Elderly Road Trip

During a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. She didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

On the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed, complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The longer they drove, the more agitated the elderly man became and the more difficult he was, with his wife. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, “While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”

 


We're Engaged

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, who have been living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers: "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds "

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs, walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

 
 

Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble” http://joecampher.blogspot.com

T-bone Steaks, Yellow Roses and Love

I received this email about four years ago. It’s a wonderful story.

A woman walked into the grocery store not particularly interested in buying groceries. She wasn't hungry. The pain of losing her husband of 57 years was still too raw. And this grocery store held so many sweet memories.

Her husband often came to the store with her and almost every time he'd pretend to go off and look for something special. She knew what he was up to. She’d always spot him walking down the aisle with three yellow roses in his hands. He knew she loved yellow roses.

With a heart filled with grief, the woman only wanted to buy a few items and leave, but even grocery shopping was different since her husband had passed on. Shopping for one person took time, and required a little more thought than it had for two people.

Standing by the meat, she searched for the perfect small steak and remembered how he had loved his steak.

Suddenly another woman appeared beside her. She was blonde, slim and lovely in a soft green pantsuit. The older woman watched as the younger woman picked up a large package of T-bone steaks and dropped them in her basket; hesitated, and then put them back in the cooler. She turned to go and once again reached for the package of steaks. From the corner of her eye she could see herself being observed. The lovely blond paused and turned and said sadly “My husband loves T-bones, but honestly, at these prices, I don't know.”

Swallowing the emotion in her throat the woman looked into the strangers pale blue eyes. “My husband passed away eight days ago,” she told her. Glancing at the package in her hands, she fought to control the tremble in her voice. “Buy him the steaks. And cherish every moment you have together.”

The young woman shook her head. The raw emotion could be seen in her eyes as she placed the package of steaks in her basket and wheeled away.

Turning away, the woman was once again alone with her thoughts. After pushing her cart across the length of the store to the dairy products, she stood, trying to decide which size milk she should buy. A quart, she thought, and moved on to the ice cream. If nothing else, she could always fix herself a bowl of ice cream.

She placed the ice cream in her cart and looked down the aisle toward the front. She saw first the green suit, and then recognized the pretty lady coming towards her. In her arms she was carrying a package. On her face was the brightest smile she’d ever seen. She thought that she could see a soft halo encircling the young blonde’s head as she kept walking toward her. The young woman’s eyes were focused intensely on the older woman.

As the young woman got closer, the older woman saw what the young woman was holding and her eyes began to mist. “These are for you,” the young woman said, and placed three beautiful long stemmed yellow roses in the older woman’s arms. “When you go through the line, they will know that these are paid for.” She leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on the older woman’s cheek, then smiled again and walked away. The older woman wanted to tell her what she'd done, what the roses meant, but still unable to speak, she watched as the young woman walked away; as tears clouded her vision.

The woman looked down at the beautiful roses nestled in the green tissue wrapping and found it almost unreal. How did she know? Suddenly the answer seemed so clear; she wasn't alone. “Oh, you haven't forgotten me” she whispered, with tears flowing from her eyes. Her husband was still with her, and that young woman had been his angel sent to comfort her. Her joy was overwhelming.

Everyday angels enter our lives and bring us roses. Although we may often feel isolated and alone, we are never by ourselves.

Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble” http://joecampher.blogspot.com

More Of They Walk Among Us

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

*** They Walk Among Us !!!!!!! ***

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.

Then; she asked me, "Has your plane arrived yet?"

*** They Walk Among Us !!!!!!!!***

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

*** They Walk Among Us !!!!!!!!

 

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce !!!!

 
Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble” http://joecampher.blogspot.com

Boy vs. Priest

I refrain from making judgments, with respect to a specific church or religions’ policies, practices and beliefs; however, this particular email was funny. It was also a swipe against the Catholic Church’s contraception and anti abortion policies.

While I don’t take a stance on religious policies and beliefs, I do understand that the context of many religious policies, practices and beliefs; were conditions that existed thousands of years ago. Religious law was often created to meet the challenges of the time.

Basic religious foundations (i.e. for me, as a Christian, the “Ten Commandment’s”) were, however, designed as a road map to guide one through a lifetime of experiences. These rules are a constant and transcend the march of time.

Every major Religion has rules similar to the Commandments. Personally, I find that fact to be of great comfort. I believe God to be both universal and transcendent. But, that's just me. You be you.... 

A little boy got on the bus and sat next to a man reading a book. Looking closely at the man, he noticed that the man’s collar was on backwards.

Being an inquisitive youngster the little boy asked the man why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, replied, “I am a Father.”

The little boy replied, “My Daddy is a father and he doesn’t wear his collar like that.”

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.”

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!”

The priest, getting a little impatient, stated, with conviction; “I am the Father of hundreds,” and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, and then leaned over and said, in a whisper, ''Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.”

 


Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble” http://joecampher.blogspot.com

Short And Sweet

To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.

When God takes something from your grasp, he's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

Concentrate on this sentence:

“The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.”

Something good will happen to you today. .

Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble” http://joecampher.blogspot.com

Today’s Funnies

Mental Health

During a visit to the mental hospital, I asked the Director how he determines whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask he or she to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

Babies Daddy

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of trying the new machine.

 

The doctor set the pain transfer to ten percent for starters, explaining that even ten percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to a twenty percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for fifty percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all of the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. The husband had experienced absolutely no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. They were, all three, discharged from the hospital.

When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.

Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble”  http://joecampher.blogspot.com