Let’s Laugh

This particular piece has shown up in my in-box several times. I’ve enjoyed it each time, probably because I’m getting to be an old fart and we have a tendency to take great joy in testing our memories. I think that for older people, like me, these serve as diagnostic self awareness tools. The answers are printed below, but don't cheat.

Test For Old Folks



1.  When the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?




2.  When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on the _______ Show.


3.  Get your kicks, on ___________.


4.  The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to ___________________.





5.  In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ___________.




6.  After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we danced under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the _____________.


7.  Nestle's makes the very best _______________.



8.  Satchmo was America 's “Ambassador of Goodwill.” Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.

9.  What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.

10. Red Skeleton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, “Good Night, and ________ ________.”
 
11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their______________.


12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ & _______________.

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, “the day the music died.” This was a tribute to ________ ___________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the _______ _________.

ANSWERS


01.The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan Show
03. On Route 66
04. To protect the innocent.
05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight
06. The limbo
07. Chocolate
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch
10. Freddy, The Freeloader and 'Good Night and God Bless.'
11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly
14. Sputnik
15. Hoola-hoop



Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble” http://joecampher.blogspot.com

MOTHER'S EMPTY CHAIR

 

A woman's daughter had asked the local minister to come and pray with her mother.

When the minister arrived, he found the woman lying in bed with her head propped up on two pillows. An empty chair sat beside her bed.

The minister assumed that the woman had been informed of his visit. “I guess you were expecting me, he said.”

“No, who are you?” said the mother.

The minister told her his name and then remarked, “I saw the empty chair and I figured that you knew I was going to be showing up.”

“Oh yeah, the chair,” said the bedridden woman.

“Would you mind closing the door?” the woman asked.

Puzzled, the minister shut the door.

The woman began speaking very quietly. “I have never told anyone this, not even my daughter, but, all of my life I have never known how to pray. At church I used to hear the pastor talk about prayer, but, it went right over my head. I abandoned any attempt at prayer, until one day, four years ago; my best friend said to me, Betty, prayer is just a simple matter of having a conversation with Jesus. Here is what I suggest. Sit down in a chair and place an empty chair in front of you. In faith see Jesus sitting across from you on that chair. It's not spooky because he promised; I will be with you always. Then just speak to him in the same way you're doing with me right now. So, I tried it and I've liked it so much that I do it a couple of hours every day. I'm careful though. If my daughter ever sees me talking to an empty chair, she'll either have a nervous breakdown or send me off to the funny farm.”

The minister was deeply moved by the story and encouraged the woman to continue on the journey. Then he prayed with her, anointed her with oil, and returned to the church.

Two nights later the woman’s daughter called to tell the minister that her mother had died that afternoon.

The minister asked “did she die in peace?”

“Yes, before I left the house about two o'clock, Mother called me over to her bedside, told me she loved me and kissed me on the cheek. When I got back from the store an hour later, I found her. But there was something strange about her death. Apparently, just before Mother died, she leaned over and rested her head on the chair beside the bed. What do you make of that?”

The minister wiped a tear from his eye and replied almost in a whisper; “I wish we could all go like that.”

Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. Here’s both a thought and a prayer:

I asked God for water, He gave me an ocean.
I asked God for a flower, He gave me garden.
I asked God for a friend, He gave me all of YOU.
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God.
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God.

Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble” http://joecampher.blogspot.com

Let’s Laugh

Legal Funnies

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
**********
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
**********
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
**********
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
**********
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
**********
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
**********
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
**********
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
**********
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
**********
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
**********
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
**********
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
**********
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble” http://joecampher.blogspot.com

The Necklace

A cheerful little girl with bouncy golden curls, who was almost five, was waiting with her mother at the checkout stand, when she saw them; a circle of glistening white pearls in a pink foil box.

"Oh mommy please, Mommy. Can I have them? Please, Mommy, please?"

Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box and then looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl's upturned face.

"This necklace cost one-dollar and ninety-five cents. That's almost two dollars. If you really want them, I'll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can save enough money to buy them for yourself. Your birthday's only a week away and you might get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma."

As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her penny bank and counted out seventeen pennies. After dinner, she did more than her share of chores. She went to the neighbor and asked if she could pick dandelions for ten cents. On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and at last she had enough money to buy the necklace.

Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel both dressed up and grown up. She wore them everywhere; Sunday school, kindergarten, even to bed. The only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath. Mother said if they got wet, they might turn her neck green.

Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed, he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story. One night as he finished the story, he asked Jenny, "Do you love me?"

"Oh yes, daddy. You know that I love you."

"Then give me your pearls."

"Oh, daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess, the white horse from my collection, the one with the pink tail. Remember, daddy? The one you gave me. She's my very favorite."

"That's okay, Honey, daddy loves you. Good night." He then gently brushed her cheek with a kiss.

About a week later, after the story time, Jenny's daddy asked again, "Do you love me?"

"Daddy, you know I love you."

"Then give me your pearls."

"Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my baby doll. The brand new one I got for my birthday. She is beautiful and you can have the yellow blanket that matches her sleeper."

"That's okay. Sleep well. God bless you, little one. Daddy loves you." As always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss.

A few nights later when her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on her bed with her legs crossed Indian style. As he came close, he noticed her chin was trembling and one silent tear rolled down her cheek. "What is it, Jenny? What's the matter?"

Jenny didn't say anything but lifted her little hand up to her daddy. And when she opened it, there was her little pearl necklace. With a little quiver, she finally said, "Here, daddy; these are for you."

With tears gathering in his own eyes, Jenny's daddy reached out with one hand to take the dime store necklace, and with the other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet case with a strand of genuine pearls and gave them to Jenny.

He had them all the time. He was just waiting for her to give up the dime-store stuff so he could give her the genuine treasure.

So it is, with our Heavenly Father. He is waiting for us to give up the cheap things in our lives so that he can give us beautiful treasures.

God will never take away something without giving you something better in its place.

Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble” http://joecampher.blogspot.com

Let's Laugh

 SQUIRRELS

In a small Florida town, there were five houses of religion: a Presbyterian Church, Baptist Church, Methodist Church, Catholic Church and Jewish Synagogue. The Church’s and Synagogue had become overrun with squirrels. The pesky critters were everywhere and causing havoc throughout the religious community.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were pre-destined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped and twice as many returned the following week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. Therefore, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

The Catholic Church, however, came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision. They haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

 

Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble” http://joecampher.blogspot.com

A Space In Heaven

I received this story, in The In-Box, a year ago. I started to read it, but just couldn’t get through it. It was too long and I didn’t have the patience. Some months later, a friend passed away and for some inexplicable reason, I was drawn back to this email. Reading it, at that moment, was both easy and comforting. I hope it’s the same, for you.

The woman jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She asked: “How is my little boy? Is he going to be all right? When can I see him?”

The surgeon replied, “I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it.”

The anguished Mother cried out; “Why do little children get cancer? Doesn't God care anymore? Where were you, God, when my son needed you?”

The surgeon asked; “Would you like some time alone with your son? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university.”

The Mother asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to her son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. The nurse asked “would you like a lock of his hair?” The little boy’s Mother nodded yes. The nurse tenderly cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to the young woman.

The mother told the nurse that, “It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. I had said no at first, but Jimmy said, Mom, I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom. My Jimmy had a heart of gold. He was always thinking of someone else and always wanting to help others if he could.”

The boy’s Mother walked out of Children's Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car.

The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room. She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She, then, lay down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep.

It was around midnight when she awoke. Lying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. The letter read:

“Dear Mom,

I know you're going to miss me, but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just because I'm not around to say “I Love You”. I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things us boys do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like.

Don't be sad thinking about me. This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but, it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to see GOD! And guess what, Mom? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you. God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him “Where was He when I needed him?” God said; “He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children.”

Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see what I've written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool? I have to give God His pen back now He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm sure the food will be great. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore. The cancer is all gone. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's why He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery!

How about that?”

 


Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble” http://joecampher.blogspot.com

Let’s Laugh

Teachers

I love teachers. They’re the foundation upon which great societies are built. Teachers don’t exist solely in classrooms. They’re Father’s teaching sons, Mother’s teaching daughters, Pastor’s teaching congregations and anybody who has ever taken time to instruct or mentor others. Teachers, they’re great. Here are a few funnies that were forwarded to me, by a Teacher.

 

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.

 

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

 

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

 

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

 

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

 
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

 

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

 





Don’t forget to check out “Joe’s Big Blue Marble” http://joecampher.blogspot.com